Monday, 19 April 2010

2. Believe that you are beautiful

This is harder said than done when I'm surrounded by a world telling me fat is ugly and thin is gorgeous. Being told I have a pretty face and I carry it well - hmmm doesn't fill me with confidence.

I think this is something I'm going to have to learn over time. For the most part I don't even like myself, let alone love myself and believe I'm beautiful. I know Shaun thinks I am and doesn't uderstand why I have such a deep self loathing. This self loathing and feeling of worthlessness led me to have quite severe anxiety. Before I feel pregnant with Carson I was an anxious wreck to the point I couldn't face leaving the house some days and had panic attacks. Being pregnant put things in perspective and really help mellow me out a bit.

Since having Carson and getting my cycle back I've noticed some anxious thoughts creeping back in but no where near as bad as before. The worst bit is the constant thoughts about death and losing the people I love. I have vivid thoughts of Carson being hurt, or worse, on a daily basis. I've learnt to dismiss them but some of the thoughts can be very upsetting. Its funny how thinking about this point has led me onto my anxiety problem but I guess the two come hand in hand. Like I say this is something I'm going to have to work on but it has been nice to think about how much life has improved and how much better my anxiety is these days. Life is good at the moment and I can actually say I'm very happy. So we still have money problems and my weight and self image needs to improve, but for the most part I am a happy bunny.

Ah its nice to remember the good things in life! :)

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