Monday, 31 December 2012

New blog

I started a new blog for a fresh start:

Friday, 3 August 2012

Weigh in Week 6

2.5lbs off!

Very happy with that and now only 1.5lbs to my next silver seven. Also aiming for the 2 stone mark only 8.5lbs away.

Had a bit of a stressful day yesterday and really wanted to eat loads last night but didn't. Felt quite proud that I managed to stay on track despite feeling quite emotional.

Here's to another good week!

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Week 5 weigh in

I lost 4lbs!! 

Wow just proves to me why even after a couple of bad days the week is not lost. I should always try to draw the line and move on. I feel like I've got to work hard this week though to make sure it doesn't catch up with me next week. However being realistic a stay the same next week wouldn't surprise me. Just hoping I can work hard enough to keep me weight going down. I'm not sure I feel like my 4lb was deserved but maybe I didn't as badly as I thought. On another note I just read this in an article 

 "It's the same with your tasks: start, and your brain will overcome the first hurdle. This seemingly small milestone appears to be the most important one to overcome if you wish to defeat procrastination. After starting a task, your brain will be more enticed to finish it to it's "conclusion." You also tend to see that it's not as big a mountain as you initially imagined, and that the work involved in completing this task won't be so terrifying after all."

The last line really stuck with me that this task won't be as terrifying as I first thought. Imagining losing weight and being a healthy weight felt daunting and out of my reach. However when I get down to it I'm not going to lose all the weight at once and the task in hand isn't as difficult as I imagined it to be. I have to chip away at my weight over time and the hurdles I have to overcome involve staying motivated even when I have difficult times. Its not about viewing it overall but just starting and making the effort each week to stick with it.

I am terrible for procrastinating so I'm going to make an effort to start tasks that bother me as I'm much more likely to continue. I will not put off exercising, I will not put off getting back on track after a blip and I will push myself to keep going even through the bad times. The thought of this journey is far more terrifying than the reality of it and I need to remember that!

I'm so happy today and really looking forward to the next week. Just hoping now that I will be well enough to start exercising again soon. Here's to another good week x

Monday, 23 July 2012

Still feeling it

Still feeling very in control. In fact I've eaten my breakfast, lunch and dinner and have 9 points left.

Can't believe I lost it now it feels so easy when I have my good head on! Also still hoping I might be able to pull off a stay the same at weigh in on Wednesday.

Long may it continue!!

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Just might have managed...

...a whole day on track!

I have 1 daily point left and have tracked everything today! I'm feeling so pleased with myself and really feel that I have found my motivation again. I hated feeling out of control and emotional so it feels great to be back.

I missed feeling like this, food has nothing on this feeling. I must MUST remember how good it feels getting back on track and with any luck the next time I have a slip up I can read this post and remind myself why a bad meal, bad day or bad week doesn't have to carry on past that. A gain doesn't mean I'm back to square one it just means I'm human and sometimes life will get in the way. If I learn from this then it isn't a failure just a chance to learn how to succeed in the future.

Here's hoping three days on track can undo some or all of the damage from the start of this week xx

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Drawing a line

I'm not quite sure how you draw a line and move on. Its not something I'm very good at doing and I need to learn. For me a bad day in the past has nearly always lead to a bad week. I'm having a bad week! I've been over my points for most of the week and eaten terribly. Each night I say I'm going to start afresh and go into the next day with good intentions.

I haven't eaten badly at every meal and I haven't been as bad as I could have been so I should see that a bit of a victory. However I feel guilty and I'm dreading the thought of gaining again this week. What I really need to do is get to the bottom of why I'm emotionally eating!

The first reason is I've been unwell and only just beginning to feel more like my normal self after a week. I hate not being able to help round the house or be able to look after my kids. I don't like feeling weak or out of control. As a result I have felt depressed especially in the evenings. I have been looking for comfort in food and not finding it.

The second reason is a family problem between me and my step family. Basically my step brother had a massive go at me and my husband via facebook and it turns out he's disliked us for a while now. I'm feeling feeling awful because my Mum and her Husband have ended up in the middle of all of this!

So for those reasons I've been struggling to stay on track this week and just wanted to make myself feel better with food. Its not worked of course and now I've just added the worry of gaining to my list of reasons to feel down. As much as I feel like eating rubbish it really doesn't help.

If I stay on track now for tomorrow through til Wednesday there's still a chance I could get away with staying the same or only a small gain. Its never too late to turn things around and lets face it even if I gain I'm not going to gain the full 13lbs I've lost! If I can get my head back in the right place then I'll be in a position to lose the following week and continue with my journey. So I need to see tomorrow as a brand new day of a brand new week and the first step of the rest of my weight loss journey.

I also need to remind myself that comfort eating is the reason I'm having to lose all this weight in the first place and losing weight makes me feel millions times better than food ever can. I felt on top of the world when I was doing well with my weight loss and I couldn't imagine losing that feeling. Now I've lost my motivation and struggling but weight loss success felt amazing!

So on to a new day, a fresh start and the first step back on the path to weight loss and ultimately happiness about my body.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Got to find that motivation

Motivation well and truly lost thanks to this stupid illness. I'm feeling so down tonight and I REALLY need to get back on track.

So aims for tomorrow are to eat healthy meals, stay within my points and try to feel a little more positive. One day at a time!

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Weigh in

I gained 1lb which I was very much expecting.

I have been very ill this week and ended up staying in hospital on Friday night with breathing problems. They think possibly a chest infection and I'm recovering on a high dose of anti-biotic's. I've eaten terribly since I got home and was actually expecting more. I'm completely fine with what I gained and under the circumstances I'm not going to feel bad about it!

I am however intending to get back on track as I don't want anything to get in the way of my weight loss journey. There is no excuse to go mad and eat rubbish all week. If I can stay the same or lose a small amount next week I will be very pleased.

Its difficult because I rarely crave healthy food and so its fighting the urge to eat junk. I know that eating rubbish makes me feel rubbish though so I'm really going to make the effort to eat well.

Its been an awful week and I've been feeling really down because of it all. My Mum has been looking after my kids for me and I've been really missing them! Just want to feel better now, its horrible feeling so weak!

Anyway to a good week food wise, its the one thing I have control over!

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Weigh in

I lost 1lb! I would have liked 2 if I'm honest but you know what its a loss, I got my first stone and so I am a happy bunny!

I do feel there was room to improve this week. I can make better choices and be a little more organised. So going to go for at least another lb next week to get my 5%

Loving seeing the numbers go down :D


I'm bored waiting around for it to be time to go to weigh in. Obviously I'm looking after the kids so not mega bored but just want it to hurry up and be half 6!

On a good note I braved the gym on Monday night. I've only been using the pool since we rejoined a few months ago and Monday was the first day I went in the gym. I was very proud of myself for pushing myself and managed to complete the 3rd run of week 1 on the couch to 5k programme. I so could have just turned round and walked straight out again when I saw all the people on the treadmills much slimmer than me and running like it was the easiest thing in the world. Then there's me who's doing the slowest jog ever but a jog none the less!

I certainly worked hard though I came out of that gym sweating and feeling so impressed with myself. I followed that with a 45 minute swim with a few lengths of front crawl thrown in. I swear it feels like its been years since I did front crawl!

So despite an interesting start to the week feeling like I was struggling I ended the week on a high with alot of activity and new experiences. I really must remember how exercising makes me feel, I felt amazing walking out of that gym. I was full of energy and on such a high. Food never makes me feel that good, exercise gave me a high without having the guilt attached to it. I'm also feeling fitter, I used to think fitness took ages to increase but I've realised I can improve my fitness quite quickly as it was so low to start with.

Now I'm just waiting for weigh in to arrive and hoping for a good loss. Always nervous and worrying that I might get a stay the same or worse a gain! I don't know why with all the activity, staying under my points and generally feeling a bit lighter really shouldn't be worrying. Oh well better get used to it I have a feeling I will worry about weigh in every week!

I feel so happy these days and I never want to go back to old unmotivated miserable me! Bring on the scales!

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Little struggle

The last two days have been the first days that I've felt like overeating and I'm not quite sure why. Its not really been due to emotional reasons I've just been hungry and felt like eating sugar?!

I know today was probably because I had a friend over so didn't eat a proper lunch just had a slice of toast with Philadelphia on. It meant I was really hungry this afternoon so made different choices. I'm still well within my points for the day but don't feel I've eaten properly so have a bit of guilt over that. I did use some of my weekly points yesterday but again I was within my points with plenty of weekly points left to last until Tuesday . So basically I don't know why I'm feeling guilty? I've not eaten great but still within my points, I've not done loads of activity but I've still been active and even though I've had a couple of iffy days I've still made much better choices! Maybe I should stop beating myself up and see the positives!

I've got 5 days to fit loads of activity in and really push for that 2lb loss next week. So I need to chill out and see how far I've come in 2 short weeks!

I'm glad I wrote all this down as it was bugging me and the guilt over the last 2 days was getting me down and I don't think I really had anything to feel guilty about!

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Week 2 weigh in

I lost 5lbs this week! I can't believe it and I'm now only 1lb off my first stone, 2lbs off my 5% and 3.5lbs away from being in the 19 stone bracket!

I've really enjoyed it and not feeling deprived at all. In fact I've actually felt guilty at times feeling like I can't possibly eat food like this and lose weight. I think it comes from all the fad diets and that being on a 'diet' in the past meant going without. This week I have had chocolate, I have eaten out, we have had a Chinese takeaway, I have had pudding and so on. Basically I have enjoyed my food and eaten small amounts of the foods I've craved.

I've done alot of activity as well so I do feel like it was a deserved loss. I'm going to really push myself this week because I would love to lose 2lbs and get my 5%. I've also done the second run in the couch to 5k programme. I found it alot harder than the first run but still completed it so was really proud of myself. I'm hoping to fit in 3 runs this week as I really want to progress and improve my fitness level.

All in all I've had a fantastic week, still feel crazy positive and motivated! Loving feeling so in control and looking forward to another week!

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Week 1 Weigh in

I lost 8lbs! Seriously happy with that! I'm fully aware that's alot and not going to happen every week but still mega happy. Feels like I really worked for it with all the exercise I've done but haven't had to go hungry! 

Going to hold on to this motivated feeling, loving how positive I am at the moment and its starting to influence other areas of my life. I've been so motivated I've even been doing alot more housework so my house is benefiting! My kitchen hasn't been this clean in weeks! 

Bring on week 2! 

Friday, 22 June 2012

Making the effort

I've stuck to my points, walked over 12,000 steps and did 45 minutes of swimming today!

In  nutshell a good day and still feeling very positive! I'm so committed to making the changes I just want this feeing to stay with me and see me through the low points.

My biggest fear about the weight loss is that I'll stick to this all week, exercise and put in loads of effort only to find I've not lost weight! That would be so demoralising and I don't know why I'm worrying that I won't. I guess part of it is that I didn't do so well on pro-points last time and I think I'm still missing the old points system.

I'm mainly missing it because that's the plan I lost weight on last time and so I'm somewhat sceptical of pro-points. At the end of the day though I eating better and being active so regardless of what plan I'm following I am doing what's needed to lose weight. Just hope I prove to myself that I can do it and I'm just being a little irrational.

Its all good and looking forward to the scales next Wednesday!

Thursday, 21 June 2012

I've rejoined weight watchers

As the title says I've re-joined weight watchers and went to my first meeting last night. I decided to take the plunge and give pro-points one more go as I was just messing about trying to do it at home. I love ww but didn't get on so well with pro-points as I preferred the old points system. I just missed the meetings and having someone to weigh me every week and be accountable to. It was a meeting ran by a leader who's meetings I went to over 3 years ago. It was so nice, her meetings are so much more informal than the last ones I went to and made me feel really comfortable. Everyone was very friendly and it felt great to be back and around people who understand and are supportive. 

It was my first day today and I've had a fantastic day. I've really enjoyed eating healthy food again and found  it fairly easy to stay within my points. I was even able to have a ww cheesecake and a mini crunchie after dinner. I've done enough steps to earn 4 activity points too. All in all a great day and feeling so positive.

Reading all the posts on the 5+ stone to lose message boards on ww's website has been really motivating too. Seeing the losses people have achieved on there reminds me that this is possible. Its not some unattainable dream. It just takes commitment and effort to change for good and get this weight off.

It feels so great to be motivated again! Long may it continue!!

Monday, 11 June 2012

If I don't try

If I don't try I will never succeed!

I'm scared of trying to lose weight because I feel like I'll fail (again!). I feel like I've failed so many times, considering I'm still the size I am, that I'm almost at the point of accepting defeat. But how boring is that! I'm not committing myself to being fat forever, to having a life of health problems and regrets. Sod that!

So here we go again! I refuse to give up on my dream of being slimmer, fitter and therefore happier. I refuse to just accept that I am doomed to be this weight or heavier for the rest of my life. I would rather try millions of times than give up even with the smallest chance of success.

Ultimately I am in control of my own destiny in this area of my life. I can choose to eat better. I can choose to make the effort to exercise. I can choose to leave my failures in the past and realise that my past failures have no affect on my ability to be successful now! I can commit to making these choices, to change my mindset and realise my dream of being happy in my own skin.

By learning control around food I will give myself freedom. Freedom from being held back by my size. So put simply I am going to commit to 100 days of sticking to my plan. I am going to push myself to exercise regularly. I am going to have hope that I can do it!

Thursday, 7 June 2012

2010 blog post's

I just sat and read a load of my old blog post's from 2010 when I lost nearly 4 stone. I was wondering what was different back then, what made me want to change and how did I see it through? Well it was eye opening and quite nice to think how much things have changed.

One of the things that hasn't helped is weight watchers changing to pro-points as I just don't like the plan as much now as I did back then. However the main difference was how positive and motivated I was. I was just full of ways to overcome my problems instead of getting bogged down on how hard everything is.

Aim of today - go get some more shopping and plenty of healthy foods and decide what plan I want to follow. Do I want to give weight watchers another go? or continue with calorie counting using boots online? I need to get myself motivated and excitied about making changes, not scared of failing!

Its so hard...

... to make the decision to change and see it through.

Its been a difficult couple of months. Around the end of April I got pneumonia and I spent nearly an entire week in bed as I literally couldn't move without losing my breath, I cannot remember a time when I felt so ill. Its taken me another 3/4 weeks to fully recover and in that that time I've gained 11lbs and not done any form of exercise above my daily activities. We've also had problems with our youngest who has started having reflex seizures which can be really scary when it happens. Our car decided to flake out on us this week too and its been a big battle over whether its covered under warranty. Basically we've had quite a run of bad luck and during all of this I have lost all motivation to lose weight and gone back to my old habits.
Obviously I didn't have to go right back to eating the way I was but I did and now I find myself right back at square one. Having to start over and lacking the motivation to do it! The other point that is bothering me is that I would like another baby in the near future but I don't want to be this size and pregnant (again). Having two kids and being pregnant will be taxing enough let alone carrying twice the weight I'm supposed to for my height. I really want to be slimmer and fitter before putting my body through another pregnancy. All of this leads me to a point where I feel I have to start losing weight, which for some reason just makes me more reluctant?! Feeling like I have to take control makes me want to binge even more because in my heart I feel I will never succeed at losing weight. I almost don't want to try because I feel it'll end in failure like every other attempt at changing my lifestyle.
I just don't want my kids to be affected by my weight and of course it already is starting to affect the things I can and can't do. Soon their going to want to go to theme parks and I'd love to take them to disney world, but there's just no way I could go at this size. Not only that my energy levels are awful and I'm struggling to look after two young kids and keep up with the housework. I know most Mum's have the juggle of kids, housework, relationship/s and all the other commitments in life but I feel like if I was fitter maybe keeping on top of things wouldn't be such a drain on me and running round with the kids would fun rather than tiring. I don't want their childhood's to be restricted by my weight and they are much more likely to have a weight problem themselves if I don't get this sorted. We have such terrible food in the house when I'm not trying to lose weight and our motivation to cook goes out the window so we turn to takeaways and processed food. The more they are exposed to this kind of food and come to think eating large amounts of junk food is normal the more likely they are to pick up these habits and face the same issues as me. I want them to experience an active lifestyle and healthy foods. I want them to understand that certain foods can be enjoyed in moderation and to have a 'normal' attitude to food.

What can I say its the same stuff just a different day. I do wonder if I'll ever get this sorted or am I going to be big for the rest of my life? When will it be the 'right' time if not now? I can't just keep waiting around hoping I get the sudden urge to change. I need to start seeing the daily battles and seeing that I can overcome them to slowly change my lifestyle. I need to start solving the problems instead of dwelling on them. Life is good at the moment, some things have gone wrong but overall things are good and I can't keep using food (and money) to comfort me. I need to figure out ways of actually dealing with my emotions, they are not to be feared and I don't need to dramatise everything. I can't keep letting my emotions take control.

This is what it comes down to, that this has got zero to do with food. My weight problem is about my control issues and my problems dealing with my emotions. I learnt the wrong outlets for my emotions and the biggest changes I can make will not be to my diet and exercise but to the ways I deal with my own thoughts and feelings!

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Bring it on

Its really difficult to do this alone and really see it through so we (my husband & I) made the decision to hire a personal trainer at our gym, eeek! She seems really nice and we have our first session on Saturday morning. I'm a little nervous as exercise is kind of scary to me at the moment but also excited to have that guidance that I so need. My weight issue plays so heavily on my mind everyday and I just want to make the changes so much, so I'm going to use these training sessions as the kick start I need.
I was doing really well and then had a blip which I didn't recover from completely and we went away to Center Parcs for the weekend, which was loads of fun and I did loads of exercise but ate alot of rubbish too! So I came back from that 3lbs heavier despite doing alot of cycling, walking, swimming and so on. Just goes to show just how much I can put away to not only exceed the calories I need to maintain my weight but also to increase it enough to use my exercise calories and more. Going away has been great though because I've rediscovered my love of cycling and now a bike and trailer (to pull the boys) is on the cards as my early birthday present! It just seemed like such a good idea to cycle to preschool instead of taking the car. Its only a 15 minute walk away but I take the car because there are no pavements the roads are quite busy. Whereas with a bike the boys will be strapped in and safe away from the traffic. Plus I'll be getting some exercise taking them to school.

Its been great feeling a little bit lighter and a little bit fitter so I'm ready to take this to the next level and feel alot fitter and alot slimmer! I got my first taste of shopping in the 'normal' clothes section recently not just the plus size section. I went into Matalan and bought a size 22 maxi skirt which felt great, even though I kn.w it was just a fluke as its got a very elasticated waist and I'm no where near a size 22 lol! It still felt awesome though as it just showed me what my reward will feel like. Looking at the plus size versus the normal section is really motivating and kind of sad all at the same time, all the plus size clothes were baggy, not very colourful, boring and didn't reflect my personal style whatsoever. The normal section was full of summer dresses, patterns, bright clothes, fitted clothes and so on. Just reminds me how complete freedom and lack of control with food restricts me in so many other ways, my reward for learning self control around food will be worth it 20 times over!

So bring on the personal trainer and lets get this journey back on track! I really do believe I can and will do this.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

2nd weigh in

Not quite as much as I'd hoped at only 1.2lbs but still pleased that I lost. I've done quite alot of activity this week so I really was expecting a bigger loss but I've got to be happy with a loss of between 1-2lb a week - that is what's considered a healthy rate of loss at the end of the day.

I guess half of this journey is managing my own expectations about these things. If I have unrealistic expectations I'm going to be disappointed and eventually give up. I have to believe that if I continue to make positive changes I will see results. It doesn't matter if this journey takes me the next 3 years if I do it in the end then all that time I'll be getting slimmer and eventually get to my goal. If I give up then in 3 years time I'll still be obese and miserable about it!

So all in all I'm happy with my loss as its one step closer to my overall goal.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Weigh in

Really pleased with a 5.5lb loss! I'm feeling really positive and motivated so fingers crossed for another good week, hoping for at least a 1.5lb loss next week so I've lost my first 7lbs :D

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Can't wait

I'm really looking forward to weighing in tomorrow morning to see if I've lost any weight. I feel like I've lost weight and I've stayed within my calorie allowance everyday this week so really hoping for a good first week loss. I really had to stop myself weighing this morning as it was so tempting! Fingers crossed for tomorrow!

Friday, 16 March 2012

I crave acceptance

I strive for acceptance from family, friends, strangers and most of all myself. If I don't feel like I meet people's expectation's I either justify my actions repeatedly or change my behaviour to feel more acceptable to them. I'm never happy just to be myself and think you know what it doesn't matter if people like me. There's no need to be down right rude or anything but just being able to live each day without taking every disapproving look or comment as a personal attack. I also take things the wrong way and feel like people are judging me when they aren't. A comment can ruin an entire day or haunt me for weeks or even months. There are things I've done or things people have said from years ago that stay with me and I still dwell on from time to time. I don't even accept myself or my body. I thoroughly hate myself at times and criticise myself more than anyone ever could. My worst critic in life is me. I am my own negative force always putting myself down.

In trying to get to the bottom of my weight problem I'm beginning to realise that being this way will hold me back. I need to find a way to deal with my negative inner voice. All actions come down to the core feelings and beliefs about myself but with those beliefs being so negative and defeatist I struggle to make the long lasting changes I so want.

I was inspired by someone else's blog and it reminded me that my body is amazing despite how much I hate my appearance at times. Plus no matter how much weight I lose it will still be the same body and the same me. I'll just be slimmer, fitter and more able to enjoy life. I'm not suddenly going to transform into someone else by losing weight. How will I ever get to a point where I accept who I am and what I look like while disliking myself so much now?! Being slim is not the magic fix all and its not even the initial problem so I need to treat it as such.

I don't know. I just know I need to start taking better care of myself and learn not to judge myself so harshly all the time. I've got to believe I can change the things that bother me and not just resign myself to being the way I am.

There's going to be a fair few posts like this over the coming weeks as I'm mostly using my blog as a chance to make sense of what's going on in my head. It might not always make alot of sense or even seem to have a point but I think it helps. This blog was one of the things I did differently in 2010 when I lost the 4 stone and I intend to keep it up to keep me motivated!

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

It doesn't have to come to that, does it?!

Weightloss shows again - My big fat operation

I have hope that I can do this despite the failed attempts and although the viscous cycle is hard to break surely it doesn't have to come to surgery to deal with a weight problem?! The way alot of these people are talking you'd think the ONLY way you can deal with being morbidly obese is either through surgery or with alot of help from a personal trainer, weight loss mentor etc.

I just don't believe that the only way is surgery. Its my lifestyle, I made it this way and I am in control of changing it. I want to watch shows like this in 2, 3, 10, 20 years times and say "no your wrong". I want to be able to say that you don't need weight loss classes, surgery, hours of personal training, fad diets and any other money siphoning, drastic approach to losing weight.

I want to change my habits gradually, increase my activity, reduce my calories, improve what I'm eating and generally make lifelong changes to mine and my family's lifestyle. I so want to prove this is possible! I'm at the start now but I'm looking to the journey and to goal weight (not the end because I accept this has to be for life). I need to prove to myself that I am in control.

Doing well

So far so good. Four days in and its all going well. I haven't managed alot of exercise but I've been sticking well within my calories and given that I've been ill I'm not too worried as the exercise will come in time.

There's loads of weight loss shows on t.v at the moment and I find myself watching them to help inspire me and keep me motivated. Its really scary some of the things they are talking about on supersize vs superskinny. A woman on there at 48 years old with type 2 diabetes who actually weighed less at her heaviest than I weighed at my heaviest had to have her foot amputated because of her diabetes. Although I know I'm morbidly obese I do kind of have the 'it won't happen to me' mentality about the health issues. I really need to get it in my head that if I don't get this sorted now while I'm still young I'm just setting myself up for a whole host of health problems. The vanity side of things is obviously important but its gone past just the need to be slim because of clothes or people judging me. Quite simply I don't want to end up in hospital with an obesity related illness wondering why the hell I didn't get a grip!

This is the problem for me now that I've gone over and over my reasons for wanting to lose weight. They haven't changed and if anything are more important now given that we have 2 wonderful kids. It all comes down to my emotional reason's for eating and even now I can't really pin down what the root problem is. When in my life did this start? When did I suddenly use food as more than a fuel and start relying on it for comfort?

I know these issues started fairly young as I have early memories of primary school thinking I was the 'bigger' one. Unfortunately for me my first name also rhymes with belly which as an adult doesn't bother me in the slightest but as a 7 year old have various rhymes chanted at me was awful. I know in high school I was slightly bigger than others but not by much until the later years in year 10 and 11. However I did experience bullying over my weight in primary and high school. The bullying certainly did help my self esteem but its not where it started and I'm struggling to remember why this all started. You don't become morbidly obese just because you like food but I don't know what in my life has triggered this.

I look back on my life and feel like I've had a great life. My weight has been an ongoing issue but otherwise I'm happy and I've had some amazing experiences. I'm happy with my life, my relationship and our situation at the moment. There are some things that could change for the better but generally I'm happy or so I think. The demands of two young children do take there toll and I do turn to food when things get stressful but I really need to get to the bottom of the real reasons for my comfort eating. I know they stem from a need to feel in control and that I'm a black and white thinker but over the course of this weight loss journey I really need to figure this out. Using food just masks the real problems and creates more in the form of my weight, its so destructive and I need to change!

A bit of a rant there but I'm just trying to get my head around this so I can do it this time. I don't want to keep having the same conversations and the same thoughts but continuing to fail. I've lost 4 stone before so I know I can do this and see it through to goal as I have no intention of having another baby anytime soon so no reason to stop me getting to goal this time.

I need to look back on these posts when I'm feeling like giving in to remind myself of what its all really about. I can do this!

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Good start despite a bad day

It would seem it wasn't the best of days to start given that were all ill. Despite this I've done an hour of walking today and I'm well within my calories. So in a way its not been all bad as I decided I can't just give up because I'm not feeling well. Life is going to be full of sniffles and various other bugs and I can't give up every time I feel under the weather.

I also got another nice surprise when I weighed myself. It turns out I weigh nearly a stone less than I thought I did! So here's me here's me thinking I weighed around 21st 10lbs and in fact I weigh 20st 13lbs. I still have a very long journey ahead of me but feel great that I'm just that little bit closer than expected.

I really need to take this one day at a time and feel good about the small victories. I've been dreading starting because I already have it in my head that I'll 'fail'. I just need to remember that I haven't failed if I keep going and keep trying.

So all in all I feel rough but feel good that I've managed the first day.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

On the eve of change

I have made the decision to change my lifestyle. I'm going to start these changes as of tomorrow. I NEED to do this now.

I am taking control not restricting myself, this will give me the freedom I crave.

Food is not the enemy nor is it my friend, it will not provide comfort, advice or support, it will not love me, it will never be proud of me or approve of my choices. It is just fuel for me to live my life and I need to start seeing it as that! I have a lifetime of memories and I don't want to sit of the sidelines longing to join it but feeling too unfit, too big, too embarrassed and so on.

This needs to happen now and no one but me is going to make it happen. I am still young and I don't want to get to the point of health problems or it starting to affect my children's lives. I don't want my kids to remember a time when I was obese. There is is nothing holding me back but me so... Enough talk bring on the action!

Thursday, 1 March 2012

All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again...

I'm back AGAIN and the cycle goes on. Get back on track, get stressed, go off track, feel like a failure and put any weight lost back on. I need to break the cycle I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results. I need to commit properly to changing my lifestyle not just going on a 'diet'. Commit to exercising, eating right, organising my life so I can stay in control and a whole bunch of other changes to help me break this cycle once and for all.

I'm up to my heaviest weight again and shockingly bought my first pair of size 30 trousers recently. I just cannot get any bigger! Where do I go if I get bigger than a size 32?! Its already stupidly difficult to find clothes and I've gone past the point of buying clothes I like so much as just buying clothes that are loose fitting and in my size. I shouldn't feel like this at 24 years old. More important than clothes size and vanity I want to be there for my kids. Already with my oldest being just 2.5 years old I find myself sitting on the sidelines. He started pre-school recently and I am (as I always dreaded I would be) the fat Mum at the school gates! When will any of this begin to actually motivate me. Its always the same reasons just a few months down the line and slowly my life is slipping away from me.

There are so many things I want to be able to do but I'm restricted by my weight. I don't feel like I'm even half the person I should be, ironically given I'm twice the size I should be, my weight holds me back so much and I just want to set myself free. I've felt like I don't want to be restricted when it comes to food but I need to remind its not restriction its what will given me the freedom in life I crave so badly.

So I need to make commitments to change my/our lifestyle. I need to figure what changes I need to make a difference, how I'm going to make those changes, what short term hurdles I think I'm to face along the way and how I'm going to overcome them.

I already know I'll probably use the boots diets online tools as a way of recording my calorie and fat intake and my exercise but I need to figure out a load of other things to make it work this time. It needs to be different this time, I don't want to look back in 10 years and still be the same size or even bigger and have wasted another 10 years of my life being fat. Of course looking after my kids and seeing them grow up will never be wasted time but I don't just want to be there I want to happy, fit and healthy. I want set the right example for them and encourage them to have a healthy active lifestyle too. I want to be the person I know I am inside and not spend everyday feeling self conscious, uncomfortable, unfit, unhealthy and generally miserable about my weight problem.

Were going away next week to the peak district for my Mum's 50th birthday so I know I won't be making any major changes until we get back but I'm going to use this next week to try and get my mind in the right place to do this. I've lost 4 stone before and only stopped due to falling pregnant again. I KNOW I can do this!