Friday, 16 March 2012

I crave acceptance

I strive for acceptance from family, friends, strangers and most of all myself. If I don't feel like I meet people's expectation's I either justify my actions repeatedly or change my behaviour to feel more acceptable to them. I'm never happy just to be myself and think you know what it doesn't matter if people like me. There's no need to be down right rude or anything but just being able to live each day without taking every disapproving look or comment as a personal attack. I also take things the wrong way and feel like people are judging me when they aren't. A comment can ruin an entire day or haunt me for weeks or even months. There are things I've done or things people have said from years ago that stay with me and I still dwell on from time to time. I don't even accept myself or my body. I thoroughly hate myself at times and criticise myself more than anyone ever could. My worst critic in life is me. I am my own negative force always putting myself down.

In trying to get to the bottom of my weight problem I'm beginning to realise that being this way will hold me back. I need to find a way to deal with my negative inner voice. All actions come down to the core feelings and beliefs about myself but with those beliefs being so negative and defeatist I struggle to make the long lasting changes I so want.

I was inspired by someone else's blog and it reminded me that my body is amazing despite how much I hate my appearance at times. Plus no matter how much weight I lose it will still be the same body and the same me. I'll just be slimmer, fitter and more able to enjoy life. I'm not suddenly going to transform into someone else by losing weight. How will I ever get to a point where I accept who I am and what I look like while disliking myself so much now?! Being slim is not the magic fix all and its not even the initial problem so I need to treat it as such.

I don't know. I just know I need to start taking better care of myself and learn not to judge myself so harshly all the time. I've got to believe I can change the things that bother me and not just resign myself to being the way I am.

There's going to be a fair few posts like this over the coming weeks as I'm mostly using my blog as a chance to make sense of what's going on in my head. It might not always make alot of sense or even seem to have a point but I think it helps. This blog was one of the things I did differently in 2010 when I lost the 4 stone and I intend to keep it up to keep me motivated!

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