Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Doing well

So far so good. Four days in and its all going well. I haven't managed alot of exercise but I've been sticking well within my calories and given that I've been ill I'm not too worried as the exercise will come in time.

There's loads of weight loss shows on t.v at the moment and I find myself watching them to help inspire me and keep me motivated. Its really scary some of the things they are talking about on supersize vs superskinny. A woman on there at 48 years old with type 2 diabetes who actually weighed less at her heaviest than I weighed at my heaviest had to have her foot amputated because of her diabetes. Although I know I'm morbidly obese I do kind of have the 'it won't happen to me' mentality about the health issues. I really need to get it in my head that if I don't get this sorted now while I'm still young I'm just setting myself up for a whole host of health problems. The vanity side of things is obviously important but its gone past just the need to be slim because of clothes or people judging me. Quite simply I don't want to end up in hospital with an obesity related illness wondering why the hell I didn't get a grip!

This is the problem for me now that I've gone over and over my reasons for wanting to lose weight. They haven't changed and if anything are more important now given that we have 2 wonderful kids. It all comes down to my emotional reason's for eating and even now I can't really pin down what the root problem is. When in my life did this start? When did I suddenly use food as more than a fuel and start relying on it for comfort?

I know these issues started fairly young as I have early memories of primary school thinking I was the 'bigger' one. Unfortunately for me my first name also rhymes with belly which as an adult doesn't bother me in the slightest but as a 7 year old have various rhymes chanted at me was awful. I know in high school I was slightly bigger than others but not by much until the later years in year 10 and 11. However I did experience bullying over my weight in primary and high school. The bullying certainly did help my self esteem but its not where it started and I'm struggling to remember why this all started. You don't become morbidly obese just because you like food but I don't know what in my life has triggered this.

I look back on my life and feel like I've had a great life. My weight has been an ongoing issue but otherwise I'm happy and I've had some amazing experiences. I'm happy with my life, my relationship and our situation at the moment. There are some things that could change for the better but generally I'm happy or so I think. The demands of two young children do take there toll and I do turn to food when things get stressful but I really need to get to the bottom of the real reasons for my comfort eating. I know they stem from a need to feel in control and that I'm a black and white thinker but over the course of this weight loss journey I really need to figure this out. Using food just masks the real problems and creates more in the form of my weight, its so destructive and I need to change!

A bit of a rant there but I'm just trying to get my head around this so I can do it this time. I don't want to keep having the same conversations and the same thoughts but continuing to fail. I've lost 4 stone before so I know I can do this and see it through to goal as I have no intention of having another baby anytime soon so no reason to stop me getting to goal this time.

I need to look back on these posts when I'm feeling like giving in to remind myself of what its all really about. I can do this!

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