All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again...

I'm back AGAIN and the cycle goes on. Get back on track, get stressed, go off track, feel like a failure and put any weight lost back on. I need to break the cycle I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results. I need to commit properly to changing my lifestyle not just going on a 'diet'. Commit to exercising, eating right, organising my life so I can stay in control and a whole bunch of other changes to help me break this cycle once and for all.

I'm up to my heaviest weight again and shockingly bought my first pair of size 30 trousers recently. I just cannot get any bigger! Where do I go if I get bigger than a size 32?! Its already stupidly difficult to find clothes and I've gone past the point of buying clothes I like so much as just buying clothes that are loose fitting and in my size. I shouldn't feel like this at 24 years old. More important than clothes size and vanity I want to be there for my kids. Already with my oldest being just 2.5 years old I find myself sitting on the sidelines. He started pre-school recently and I am (as I always dreaded I would be) the fat Mum at the school gates! When will any of this begin to actually motivate me. Its always the same reasons just a few months down the line and slowly my life is slipping away from me.

There are so many things I want to be able to do but I'm restricted by my weight. I don't feel like I'm even half the person I should be, ironically given I'm twice the size I should be, my weight holds me back so much and I just want to set myself free. I've felt like I don't want to be restricted when it comes to food but I need to remind its not restriction its what will given me the freedom in life I crave so badly.

So I need to make commitments to change my/our lifestyle. I need to figure what changes I need to make a difference, how I'm going to make those changes, what short term hurdles I think I'm to face along the way and how I'm going to overcome them.

I already know I'll probably use the boots diets online tools as a way of recording my calorie and fat intake and my exercise but I need to figure out a load of other things to make it work this time. It needs to be different this time, I don't want to look back in 10 years and still be the same size or even bigger and have wasted another 10 years of my life being fat. Of course looking after my kids and seeing them grow up will never be wasted time but I don't just want to be there I want to happy, fit and healthy. I want set the right example for them and encourage them to have a healthy active lifestyle too. I want to be the person I know I am inside and not spend everyday feeling self conscious, uncomfortable, unfit, unhealthy and generally miserable about my weight problem.

Were going away next week to the peak district for my Mum's 50th birthday so I know I won't be making any major changes until we get back but I'm going to use this next week to try and get my mind in the right place to do this. I've lost 4 stone before and only stopped due to falling pregnant again. I KNOW I can do this!