Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Self sabotage!

Whats with that, why the week after getting my 4th silver seven do I have a couple of bad days and then one really appauling day where I was just out to sabotage myself. I had all the tools to make the right choices I was even reminding myself I'd regret it and that I'm a mere 1.5lbs away from my 10%.Yet we still ordered a takeaway for dinner which included a rather fat ridden burger and chips. Its just silly and I feel awful because I took Shaun down with me.

For the most part this week hasn't been a complete write off and I've still done alot of walking so really not sure what will happen at the scales tonight, just have to wait and see I guess. I keep reminding myself that I'm still in much better place than ever before because before I'd have just accpeted that 'its just the way I am' and continue as if nothing had happened. Whereas today I'm trying to get to the bottom of what encouraged the behaviour in the first place.

One theory of mine is that I'm a very black and white thinker, with anxiety it kinda comes with the territory. I'm so all or nothing at times, which can be great when I'm into something I really put as much effort into it as possible. However sometimes all my effort all at once on everything I see as important - well you get the picture it can't be done. I just can't accept this and I struggle to be happy unless I feel like I'm in control of everything. So instead I resign myself to failure give up completely and tell myself I'm worthless anyway so why do I care. Its a really horrid cycle to be in. I wish I could just break things down into more managable chunks and accept that one blip, whether it be in relation to weightloss, housework, Carson's routine etc, does not mean I am an epic failure and that I shouldn't bother in the first place.

Thats the annoying thing about this whole cycle when I'm feeling like the rational and reasonable person that I am I can see logically how silly I'm being but try telling me that when I'm feeling down and I've convinced myself its better to not try at all than to try and fail.

(Hmm that train of thought was rather interrupted as I have a baby trying to eat my foot. Honestly strange child I really don't know what his interest in feet and shoes is all about lol. )

Anyway I guess thats my main issue, not Carson eating my foot, but that I need to be able to see blips for what they are just a blip not a complete failure. Giving up on the things I want because I had one moment of weakness won't get me anywhere in life.

Goodness me I really do have issues. At least I'm trying to address them rather than just convince myself that when I'm slim life will be perfect and I'll feel all better. It doesn't work like that and I know it. So instead of just dealing with the symptom (my weight) I'm going to deal with the problems that got me here in the first place, or try to at least.

Sorry that was such a long post but it really does help just to get it all down on here. It reminds me that I do have some sanity and its really helping keep me focused on losing weight and not throwing the towel in just because I had a bad day. :)

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