Saturday, 12 June 2010


Who pressed the self destruct button ... oh right that'd be you then mother nature huh?

What is with hormones and monthly bloomin' cycles! As I've mentioned previously I suffer with an anxiety problem which was pretty bad before falling pregnant (panic attacks the works). Then I got pregnant and went on to breastfeed so no periods for over a year and guess what... I was so mellow, calm and coped really well. Now my monthly cycle is bad I'm back on the hormone roller coaster. Normal women get pmt I get pmt plus vivid thoughts of my loved ones meeting a horrible end in everyday situations, social anxiety, a fear of the future and end up feeling pretty depressed in general. *Sigh* Its getting rather annoying to be honest.

In my head I'm a rational person then a few days a month I go a tad loopy juice and end up in 'one of those moods'. This happened yesterday and I went into to self destruct with food which continued into today. I don't feel too bad as I know this is just a blip but I want it to end today and have a fresh start tomorrow. If I can do damage control maybe just maybe I can swing a small loss this week. Also a small victory was that before going a little bit mad I actually tried distraction techniques and managed to keep myself away from food for 2 hrs. So in the end I gave in but to actually be able to have a tiny amount of logic before just launching into a binge, well thats a victory in my book. Before it was eat first ask questions later.

The really annoying thing about this whole episode and the return of the anxiety is for the first time in a long time I'm Happy! So money isn't great and I have a long journey ahead of me regarding losing weight. Since having my son I couldn't be happier. Shaun and I are very much in love and I have my gorgeous son who makes me smile everyday. I really feel like I'm a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful little family. So why do these feelings keep popping up?! This is what I hate about having a mental illness a) people don't take you seriously and b) does it ever end?? Will I always have an anxiety problem?

So I think I need to get myself back down the Dr's and get myself on the waiting list for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) again. I was previously on the waiting list but just as I got an appointment come through we were moving house and so on true nhs form that means I have to start the whole process off again! I just can't stand the thought of going through this with no real end in sight.

Sorry for the long post and rather in depth personal life stuff, but it really does help get my head straight to just get it all down.

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