It doesn't have to come to that, does it?!

Weightloss shows again - My big fat operation

I have hope that I can do this despite the failed attempts and although the viscous cycle is hard to break surely it doesn't have to come to surgery to deal with a weight problem?! The way alot of these people are talking you'd think the ONLY way you can deal with being morbidly obese is either through surgery or with alot of help from a personal trainer, weight loss mentor etc.

I just don't believe that the only way is surgery. Its my lifestyle, I made it this way and I am in control of changing it. I want to watch shows like this in 2, 3, 10, 20 years times and say "no your wrong". I want to be able to say that you don't need weight loss classes, surgery, hours of personal training, fad diets and any other money siphoning, drastic approach to losing weight.

I want to change my habits gradually, increase my activity, reduce my calories, improve what I'm eating and generally make lifelong changes to mine and my family's lifestyle. I so want to prove this is possible! I'm at the start now but I'm looking to the journey and to goal weight (not the end because I accept this has to be for life). I need to prove to myself that I am in control.

Doing well

So far so good. Four days in and its all going well. I haven't managed alot of exercise but I've been sticking well within my calories and given that I've been ill I'm not too worried as the exercise will come in time.

There's loads of weight loss shows on t.v at the moment and I find myself watching them to help inspire me and keep me motivated. Its really scary some of the things they are talking about on supersize vs superskinny. A woman on there at 48 years old with type 2 diabetes who actually weighed less at her heaviest than I weighed at my heaviest had to have her foot amputated because of her diabetes. Although I know I'm morbidly obese I do kind of have the 'it won't happen to me' mentality about the health issues. I really need to get it in my head that if I don't get this sorted now while I'm still young I'm just setting myself up for a whole host of health problems. The vanity side of things is obviously important but its gone past just the need to be slim because of clothes or people judging me. Quite simply I don't want to end up in hospital with an obesity related illness wondering why the hell I didn't get a grip!

This is the problem for me now that I've gone over and over my reasons for wanting to lose weight. They haven't changed and if anything are more important now given that we have 2 wonderful kids. It all comes down to my emotional reason's for eating and even now I can't really pin down what the root problem is. When in my life did this start? When did I suddenly use food as more than a fuel and start relying on it for comfort?

I know these issues started fairly young as I have early memories of primary school thinking I was the 'bigger' one. Unfortunately for me my first name also rhymes with belly which as an adult doesn't bother me in the slightest but as a 7 year old have various rhymes chanted at me was awful. I know in high school I was slightly bigger than others but not by much until the later years in year 10 and 11. However I did experience bullying over my weight in primary and high school. The bullying certainly did help my self esteem but its not where it started and I'm struggling to remember why this all started. You don't become morbidly obese just because you like food but I don't know what in my life has triggered this.

I look back on my life and feel like I've had a great life. My weight has been an ongoing issue but otherwise I'm happy and I've had some amazing experiences. I'm happy with my life, my relationship and our situation at the moment. There are some things that could change for the better but generally I'm happy or so I think. The demands of two young children do take there toll and I do turn to food when things get stressful but I really need to get to the bottom of the real reasons for my comfort eating. I know they stem from a need to feel in control and that I'm a black and white thinker but over the course of this weight loss journey I really need to figure this out. Using food just masks the real problems and creates more in the form of my weight, its so destructive and I need to change!

A bit of a rant there but I'm just trying to get my head around this so I can do it this time. I don't want to keep having the same conversations and the same thoughts but continuing to fail. I've lost 4 stone before so I know I can do this and see it through to goal as I have no intention of having another baby anytime soon so no reason to stop me getting to goal this time.

I need to look back on these posts when I'm feeling like giving in to remind myself of what its all really about. I can do this!

Good start despite a bad day

It would seem it wasn't the best of days to start given that were all ill. Despite this I've done an hour of walking today and I'm well within my calories. So in a way its not been all bad as I decided I can't just give up because I'm not feeling well. Life is going to be full of sniffles and various other bugs and I can't give up every time I feel under the weather.

I also got another nice surprise when I weighed myself. It turns out I weigh nearly a stone less than I thought I did! So here's me here's me thinking I weighed around 21st 10lbs and in fact I weigh 20st 13lbs. I still have a very long journey ahead of me but feel great that I'm just that little bit closer than expected.

I really need to take this one day at a time and feel good about the small victories. I've been dreading starting because I already have it in my head that I'll 'fail'. I just need to remember that I haven't failed if I keep going and keep trying.

So all in all I feel rough but feel good that I've managed the first day.

On the eve of change

I have made the decision to change my lifestyle. I'm going to start these changes as of tomorrow. I NEED to do this now.

I am taking control not restricting myself, this will give me the freedom I crave.

Food is not the enemy nor is it my friend, it will not provide comfort, advice or support, it will not love me, it will never be proud of me or approve of my choices. It is just fuel for me to live my life and I need to start seeing it as that! I have a lifetime of memories and I don't want to sit of the sidelines longing to join it but feeling too unfit, too big, too embarrassed and so on.

This needs to happen now and no one but me is going to make it happen. I am still young and I don't want to get to the point of health problems or it starting to affect my children's lives. I don't want my kids to remember a time when I was obese. There is is nothing holding me back but me so... Enough talk bring on the action!

All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again...

I'm back AGAIN and the cycle goes on. Get back on track, get stressed, go off track, feel like a failure and put any weight lost back on. I need to break the cycle I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results. I need to commit properly to changing my lifestyle not just going on a 'diet'. Commit to exercising, eating right, organising my life so I can stay in control and a whole bunch of other changes to help me break this cycle once and for all.

I'm up to my heaviest weight again and shockingly bought my first pair of size 30 trousers recently. I just cannot get any bigger! Where do I go if I get bigger than a size 32?! Its already stupidly difficult to find clothes and I've gone past the point of buying clothes I like so much as just buying clothes that are loose fitting and in my size. I shouldn't feel like this at 24 years old. More important than clothes size and vanity I want to be there for my kids. Already with my oldest being just 2.5 years old I find myself sitting on the sidelines. He started pre-school recently and I am (as I always dreaded I would be) the fat Mum at the school gates! When will any of this begin to actually motivate me. Its always the same reasons just a few months down the line and slowly my life is slipping away from me.

There are so many things I want to be able to do but I'm restricted by my weight. I don't feel like I'm even half the person I should be, ironically given I'm twice the size I should be, my weight holds me back so much and I just want to set myself free. I've felt like I don't want to be restricted when it comes to food but I need to remind its not restriction its what will given me the freedom in life I crave so badly.

So I need to make commitments to change my/our lifestyle. I need to figure what changes I need to make a difference, how I'm going to make those changes, what short term hurdles I think I'm to face along the way and how I'm going to overcome them.

I already know I'll probably use the boots diets online tools as a way of recording my calorie and fat intake and my exercise but I need to figure out a load of other things to make it work this time. It needs to be different this time, I don't want to look back in 10 years and still be the same size or even bigger and have wasted another 10 years of my life being fat. Of course looking after my kids and seeing them grow up will never be wasted time but I don't just want to be there I want to happy, fit and healthy. I want set the right example for them and encourage them to have a healthy active lifestyle too. I want to be the person I know I am inside and not spend everyday feeling self conscious, uncomfortable, unfit, unhealthy and generally miserable about my weight problem.

Were going away next week to the peak district for my Mum's 50th birthday so I know I won't be making any major changes until we get back but I'm going to use this next week to try and get my mind in the right place to do this. I've lost 4 stone before and only stopped due to falling pregnant again. I KNOW I can do this!

Stupid cold

I have a stinking cold and have lost my voice, so not impressed! Despite a stinker of a cold I've managed to stay on track but haven't done much in the way of exercise so will be interested to see what kind of loss I get this week. Also we've had a couple of pointed take always which still makes me feel like I've cheated even though it was all counted.

Feeling a little stressed out just lately as the wedding seems to be coming round so quick and I still have loads to do for it!! Kind of makes me a little sad that I'll be big when we get married but you can't put your life on hold just to lose weight. A wedding is just a day and weight loss will matter long after that single day.

Just lately I keep thinking how nice it will be to shop in normal clothes shops. I'm so sick of clothes shopping but have to find an outfit for 6th August as our wedding photographer is doing a family photo shoot for us. Kind of nervous as I just think I'm going to hate the photo's of me and really want to buy a flattering outfit but haven't got a clue where to start! Will have a look today but not holding out much hope! Wish me luck on finding clothes that don't look like a material bin bag on me!!

How time flies

Can't believe it was May when I last posted on here! Its now July and a mere 10 weeks until we get married. I'm no lighter than I was, well in fact I'm a pound heavier, oops! It hasn't been easy getting back on track and I've found myself binging alot of the last few weeks. Having 2 small children is rather stressful and I've been turning to food to cope with it all. I'm not blaming them mind or trying to use it as an excuse its just what I've been doing.

During all this I've been trying to get on track with pro points and not doing so well. I think a turning point has been my Mum coming round to help me get my house in order. She cleaned all my downstairs, our bathroom, took the majority of our washing which she washed and ironed for us! Its really given me a kick start in all areas of my life. Its amazing how out of control I felt because our house was such a mess and it was starting to become a struggle to find clean clothes. I'm not a neat freak or anything but it was getting to an embarrassing state. Since she did that on Monday I have found my motivation for so many things, weight watchers included. So basically I'm back on track and loving it.

Another massive help is that my other half has also decided to start properly pointing as well. He's even joined the meeting too, though not sure how helpful it'll be for us as my leader has been less than supportive over these rocky weeks. I'm pretty sure that last year when I lost a decent amount of weight my key to success was the support at home. Having someone cook healthy meals for me and point along with me is such a huge help.

One other rather embarrassing thing happened at the weekend. I was waiting for our regular Chinese takeaway when a friend of the rather skinny woman next to me came in. They started talking during which our order was brought through. The woman next to me said "That must be ours it looks like a 5 person order". Well of course as soon as she said it I knew it'd be ours and sure enough it was! It was just shameful having to claim the '5 person Chinese'. Especially given the look the skinny woman's friend gave her. It was that kind of judging think's she knows just what I'm like kind of look. It was just yet another example of the judgements people make. She didn't know I wasn't also ordering for 4-5 people but based purely of my size she just assumed it wasn't. Shamefully she was right! I just can't deal with that any more I can no longer put up with those knowing looks people give each other when the fat girl is eating, like they know exactly how I got here.

Of course this kind of thing is just one of many reason's why I want to do this and actually get to goal. The most important one is just purely for myself and more importantly my health.

Since Monday I've been on track and also managed to get to the gym 3 times this week. I'm aching today from going to the gym 2 days in a row but it feels good. It makes me feel like I've done something and that I'm on the road to getting fitter. Generally I'm feeling rather positive and I want it to continue.

Looking forward to each day on track and hopefully a good weight loss next week!