Its so hard...

... to make the decision to change and see it through.

Its been a difficult couple of months. Around the end of April I got pneumonia and I spent nearly an entire week in bed as I literally couldn't move without losing my breath, I cannot remember a time when I felt so ill. Its taken me another 3/4 weeks to fully recover and in that that time I've gained 11lbs and not done any form of exercise above my daily activities. We've also had problems with our youngest who has started having reflex seizures which can be really scary when it happens. Our car decided to flake out on us this week too and its been a big battle over whether its covered under warranty. Basically we've had quite a run of bad luck and during all of this I have lost all motivation to lose weight and gone back to my old habits.
Obviously I didn't have to go right back to eating the way I was but I did and now I find myself right back at square one. Having to start over and lacking the motivation to do it! The other point that is bothering me is that I would like another baby in the near future but I don't want to be this size and pregnant (again). Having two kids and being pregnant will be taxing enough let alone carrying twice the weight I'm supposed to for my height. I really want to be slimmer and fitter before putting my body through another pregnancy. All of this leads me to a point where I feel I have to start losing weight, which for some reason just makes me more reluctant?! Feeling like I have to take control makes me want to binge even more because in my heart I feel I will never succeed at losing weight. I almost don't want to try because I feel it'll end in failure like every other attempt at changing my lifestyle.
I just don't want my kids to be affected by my weight and of course it already is starting to affect the things I can and can't do. Soon their going to want to go to theme parks and I'd love to take them to disney world, but there's just no way I could go at this size. Not only that my energy levels are awful and I'm struggling to look after two young kids and keep up with the housework. I know most Mum's have the juggle of kids, housework, relationship/s and all the other commitments in life but I feel like if I was fitter maybe keeping on top of things wouldn't be such a drain on me and running round with the kids would fun rather than tiring. I don't want their childhood's to be restricted by my weight and they are much more likely to have a weight problem themselves if I don't get this sorted. We have such terrible food in the house when I'm not trying to lose weight and our motivation to cook goes out the window so we turn to takeaways and processed food. The more they are exposed to this kind of food and come to think eating large amounts of junk food is normal the more likely they are to pick up these habits and face the same issues as me. I want them to experience an active lifestyle and healthy foods. I want them to understand that certain foods can be enjoyed in moderation and to have a 'normal' attitude to food.

What can I say its the same stuff just a different day. I do wonder if I'll ever get this sorted or am I going to be big for the rest of my life? When will it be the 'right' time if not now? I can't just keep waiting around hoping I get the sudden urge to change. I need to start seeing the daily battles and seeing that I can overcome them to slowly change my lifestyle. I need to start solving the problems instead of dwelling on them. Life is good at the moment, some things have gone wrong but overall things are good and I can't keep using food (and money) to comfort me. I need to figure out ways of actually dealing with my emotions, they are not to be feared and I don't need to dramatise everything. I can't keep letting my emotions take control.

This is what it comes down to, that this has got zero to do with food. My weight problem is about my control issues and my problems dealing with my emotions. I learnt the wrong outlets for my emotions and the biggest changes I can make will not be to my diet and exercise but to the ways I deal with my own thoughts and feelings!