2nd weigh in

Not quite as much as I'd hoped at only 1.2lbs but still pleased that I lost. I've done quite alot of activity this week so I really was expecting a bigger loss but I've got to be happy with a loss of between 1-2lb a week - that is what's considered a healthy rate of loss at the end of the day.

I guess half of this journey is managing my own expectations about these things. If I have unrealistic expectations I'm going to be disappointed and eventually give up. I have to believe that if I continue to make positive changes I will see results. It doesn't matter if this journey takes me the next 3 years if I do it in the end then all that time I'll be getting slimmer and eventually get to my goal. If I give up then in 3 years time I'll still be obese and miserable about it!

So all in all I'm happy with my loss as its one step closer to my overall goal.

Weigh in

Really pleased with a 5.5lb loss! I'm feeling really positive and motivated so fingers crossed for another good week, hoping for at least a 1.5lb loss next week so I've lost my first 7lbs :D

Can't wait

I'm really looking forward to weighing in tomorrow morning to see if I've lost any weight. I feel like I've lost weight and I've stayed within my calorie allowance everyday this week so really hoping for a good first week loss. I really had to stop myself weighing this morning as it was so tempting! Fingers crossed for tomorrow!

I crave acceptance

I strive for acceptance from family, friends, strangers and most of all myself. If I don't feel like I meet people's expectation's I either justify my actions repeatedly or change my behaviour to feel more acceptable to them. I'm never happy just to be myself and think you know what it doesn't matter if people like me. There's no need to be down right rude or anything but just being able to live each day without taking every disapproving look or comment as a personal attack. I also take things the wrong way and feel like people are judging me when they aren't. A comment can ruin an entire day or haunt me for weeks or even months. There are things I've done or things people have said from years ago that stay with me and I still dwell on from time to time. I don't even accept myself or my body. I thoroughly hate myself at times and criticise myself more than anyone ever could. My worst critic in life is me. I am my own negative force always putting myself down.

In trying to get to the bottom of my weight problem I'm beginning to realise that being this way will hold me back. I need to find a way to deal with my negative inner voice. All actions come down to the core feelings and beliefs about myself but with those beliefs being so negative and defeatist I struggle to make the long lasting changes I so want.

I was inspired by someone else's blog and it reminded me that my body is amazing despite how much I hate my appearance at times. Plus no matter how much weight I lose it will still be the same body and the same me. I'll just be slimmer, fitter and more able to enjoy life. I'm not suddenly going to transform into someone else by losing weight. How will I ever get to a point where I accept who I am and what I look like while disliking myself so much now?! Being slim is not the magic fix all and its not even the initial problem so I need to treat it as such.

I don't know. I just know I need to start taking better care of myself and learn not to judge myself so harshly all the time. I've got to believe I can change the things that bother me and not just resign myself to being the way I am.

There's going to be a fair few posts like this over the coming weeks as I'm mostly using my blog as a chance to make sense of what's going on in my head. It might not always make alot of sense or even seem to have a point but I think it helps. This blog was one of the things I did differently in 2010 when I lost the 4 stone and I intend to keep it up to keep me motivated!

It doesn't have to come to that, does it?!

Weightloss shows again - My big fat operation

I have hope that I can do this despite the failed attempts and although the viscous cycle is hard to break surely it doesn't have to come to surgery to deal with a weight problem?! The way alot of these people are talking you'd think the ONLY way you can deal with being morbidly obese is either through surgery or with alot of help from a personal trainer, weight loss mentor etc.

I just don't believe that the only way is surgery. Its my lifestyle, I made it this way and I am in control of changing it. I want to watch shows like this in 2, 3, 10, 20 years times and say "no your wrong". I want to be able to say that you don't need weight loss classes, surgery, hours of personal training, fad diets and any other money siphoning, drastic approach to losing weight.

I want to change my habits gradually, increase my activity, reduce my calories, improve what I'm eating and generally make lifelong changes to mine and my family's lifestyle. I so want to prove this is possible! I'm at the start now but I'm looking to the journey and to goal weight (not the end because I accept this has to be for life). I need to prove to myself that I am in control.

Doing well

So far so good. Four days in and its all going well. I haven't managed alot of exercise but I've been sticking well within my calories and given that I've been ill I'm not too worried as the exercise will come in time.

There's loads of weight loss shows on t.v at the moment and I find myself watching them to help inspire me and keep me motivated. Its really scary some of the things they are talking about on supersize vs superskinny. A woman on there at 48 years old with type 2 diabetes who actually weighed less at her heaviest than I weighed at my heaviest had to have her foot amputated because of her diabetes. Although I know I'm morbidly obese I do kind of have the 'it won't happen to me' mentality about the health issues. I really need to get it in my head that if I don't get this sorted now while I'm still young I'm just setting myself up for a whole host of health problems. The vanity side of things is obviously important but its gone past just the need to be slim because of clothes or people judging me. Quite simply I don't want to end up in hospital with an obesity related illness wondering why the hell I didn't get a grip!

This is the problem for me now that I've gone over and over my reasons for wanting to lose weight. They haven't changed and if anything are more important now given that we have 2 wonderful kids. It all comes down to my emotional reason's for eating and even now I can't really pin down what the root problem is. When in my life did this start? When did I suddenly use food as more than a fuel and start relying on it for comfort?

I know these issues started fairly young as I have early memories of primary school thinking I was the 'bigger' one. Unfortunately for me my first name also rhymes with belly which as an adult doesn't bother me in the slightest but as a 7 year old have various rhymes chanted at me was awful. I know in high school I was slightly bigger than others but not by much until the later years in year 10 and 11. However I did experience bullying over my weight in primary and high school. The bullying certainly did help my self esteem but its not where it started and I'm struggling to remember why this all started. You don't become morbidly obese just because you like food but I don't know what in my life has triggered this.

I look back on my life and feel like I've had a great life. My weight has been an ongoing issue but otherwise I'm happy and I've had some amazing experiences. I'm happy with my life, my relationship and our situation at the moment. There are some things that could change for the better but generally I'm happy or so I think. The demands of two young children do take there toll and I do turn to food when things get stressful but I really need to get to the bottom of the real reasons for my comfort eating. I know they stem from a need to feel in control and that I'm a black and white thinker but over the course of this weight loss journey I really need to figure this out. Using food just masks the real problems and creates more in the form of my weight, its so destructive and I need to change!

A bit of a rant there but I'm just trying to get my head around this so I can do it this time. I don't want to keep having the same conversations and the same thoughts but continuing to fail. I've lost 4 stone before so I know I can do this and see it through to goal as I have no intention of having another baby anytime soon so no reason to stop me getting to goal this time.

I need to look back on these posts when I'm feeling like giving in to remind myself of what its all really about. I can do this!

Good start despite a bad day

It would seem it wasn't the best of days to start given that were all ill. Despite this I've done an hour of walking today and I'm well within my calories. So in a way its not been all bad as I decided I can't just give up because I'm not feeling well. Life is going to be full of sniffles and various other bugs and I can't give up every time I feel under the weather.

I also got another nice surprise when I weighed myself. It turns out I weigh nearly a stone less than I thought I did! So here's me here's me thinking I weighed around 21st 10lbs and in fact I weigh 20st 13lbs. I still have a very long journey ahead of me but feel great that I'm just that little bit closer than expected.

I really need to take this one day at a time and feel good about the small victories. I've been dreading starting because I already have it in my head that I'll 'fail'. I just need to remember that I haven't failed if I keep going and keep trying.

So all in all I feel rough but feel good that I've managed the first day.

On the eve of change

I have made the decision to change my lifestyle. I'm going to start these changes as of tomorrow. I NEED to do this now.

I am taking control not restricting myself, this will give me the freedom I crave.

Food is not the enemy nor is it my friend, it will not provide comfort, advice or support, it will not love me, it will never be proud of me or approve of my choices. It is just fuel for me to live my life and I need to start seeing it as that! I have a lifetime of memories and I don't want to sit of the sidelines longing to join it but feeling too unfit, too big, too embarrassed and so on.

This needs to happen now and no one but me is going to make it happen. I am still young and I don't want to get to the point of health problems or it starting to affect my children's lives. I don't want my kids to remember a time when I was obese. There is is nothing holding me back but me so... Enough talk bring on the action!

All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again...

I'm back AGAIN and the cycle goes on. Get back on track, get stressed, go off track, feel like a failure and put any weight lost back on. I need to break the cycle I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results. I need to commit properly to changing my lifestyle not just going on a 'diet'. Commit to exercising, eating right, organising my life so I can stay in control and a whole bunch of other changes to help me break this cycle once and for all.

I'm up to my heaviest weight again and shockingly bought my first pair of size 30 trousers recently. I just cannot get any bigger! Where do I go if I get bigger than a size 32?! Its already stupidly difficult to find clothes and I've gone past the point of buying clothes I like so much as just buying clothes that are loose fitting and in my size. I shouldn't feel like this at 24 years old. More important than clothes size and vanity I want to be there for my kids. Already with my oldest being just 2.5 years old I find myself sitting on the sidelines. He started pre-school recently and I am (as I always dreaded I would be) the fat Mum at the school gates! When will any of this begin to actually motivate me. Its always the same reasons just a few months down the line and slowly my life is slipping away from me.

There are so many things I want to be able to do but I'm restricted by my weight. I don't feel like I'm even half the person I should be, ironically given I'm twice the size I should be, my weight holds me back so much and I just want to set myself free. I've felt like I don't want to be restricted when it comes to food but I need to remind its not restriction its what will given me the freedom in life I crave so badly.

So I need to make commitments to change my/our lifestyle. I need to figure what changes I need to make a difference, how I'm going to make those changes, what short term hurdles I think I'm to face along the way and how I'm going to overcome them.

I already know I'll probably use the boots diets online tools as a way of recording my calorie and fat intake and my exercise but I need to figure out a load of other things to make it work this time. It needs to be different this time, I don't want to look back in 10 years and still be the same size or even bigger and have wasted another 10 years of my life being fat. Of course looking after my kids and seeing them grow up will never be wasted time but I don't just want to be there I want to happy, fit and healthy. I want set the right example for them and encourage them to have a healthy active lifestyle too. I want to be the person I know I am inside and not spend everyday feeling self conscious, uncomfortable, unfit, unhealthy and generally miserable about my weight problem.

Were going away next week to the peak district for my Mum's 50th birthday so I know I won't be making any major changes until we get back but I'm going to use this next week to try and get my mind in the right place to do this. I've lost 4 stone before and only stopped due to falling pregnant again. I KNOW I can do this!